All set up

Ah, took a while to get here today, been busy trying to do numerous other things.  Have some time though since it seems like my guy has been kidnapped once again.  So I will take the time to not do my other work, but to goof off just a bit more.  Yes I know makes no sense for a freelance writer who gets paid by what they do, but everyone needs a break once in a while.

Been a busy day today and one that was semi-productive after the nap that was induced by taking pamprin for back pain.  I hate it, but sometimes we have to take those pills to help out.  On a side note though maybe with a back rub it will feel a bit better, but that again will depend on just when and where and how late I can see my massage person!

Have you ever wondering what motivates people?  You have to at least one time in your life, but their reasons may not be near as clear as they seem.  Just keep in mind that sometimes people will hide the real reasons why they are seeking out your attentions, don’t know if that is something that should be very important or not.  It may just be something that has to do with a few things, or the pain that I am experiencing right now.

So I am so happy that the Packers lost this weekend!!!!  Here are my hopes for the Super Bowl, the niners and the ravens.  Let’s hope!!!

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Just one of those days

So it was a day where I got to ride the bus over to the other side of Tampa and visit my doctor.  Talk about fun!  No not really besides the guy who was complaining to himself, I fell asleep and almost missed my stops two different times.  I got off the bus too early and had to walk several blocks to get to my next stop, and well it was freaking crowded.

Besides that the bus ride could be considered one of pure necessity, nothing but that.  If I could have I would have skipped the appointment, however, I knew that was not an option.  Seriously considering doing the ALL Natural thing from now on so I never have to go back again though.

Nothing is ever fun if you really don’t want to do it in the first place, there are a lot of people out there who can attest to this.  Whether in their case it be a doctors appointment or something else, it is never nice to feel the pressure of doing the things we just don’t want to do.  But again with life there are times when we just have to buckle down and Just Do IT.

Yeah that’s about as philosophical I will get today because I don’t feel like it.  For the rest of the night I have no clue what is going on but I do know one thing for sure, I doubt it will be anything to do with a bus and riding it in Tampa.

Changes

We all go through changes in one way or another.  Sometimes we choose to change and at other times we are made to adapt.  I know someone who is great at adapting and they have helped me learn that at times you just need to take it as is, and keep on going.

At our household it is a time for change and this will be a huge one.  It will be one that may be a bit frightening, but I have no doubt, with the right Friends, it will be made a lot more simple.  Before we begin this journey together though, let me say thanks to begin with, and I couldn’t have done it alone.

Great friends are hard to come by and I thank God for the one’s that I have.  I love you all, whether I’ve not had a good conversation with you in a while or not.  I am looking forward to a new life, one that will hopefully be a better one, and one that I can share the same wisdom as I have gained through the years.

 

 

In Apology

Sometimes we just have to take a second to say we are sorry.  We may have done something that was not meant to come across like it did, but in the end it did.  It may have meant to have been something that seemed so simple to accomplish at first, but when the time came to pull through and do it just right, we fail miserably.

If you’ve ever been there before you’ll know what I’m talking about.  It could be in the form of a call, just to hear someone, and to really honestly tell them to have fun.  But you realize instantly just how much you miss the fact that they are not with you.  And instead of being all graceful, you instead begin to weep like a baby.

Knowing that this causes the other person pain, you try and stop, but just can’t do it, because you can’t help it.  Perhaps it was a meltdown of some kind.  Or maybe just some weird connection that made you lose it for just a second, and wonder, “Are they thinking of me like I am them?”

Or maybe it’s the stupidity you feel when you realize you’ve left yourself once again standing in front of the same person naked emotionally.  Either could cause the reaction of who knows what, I don’t.

But in the long run the fact is that you’ve made a fool of yourself once again, and alas you end the New Year with yet another time when you felt like a dumb ass.

What a freaking day, life, moment, dimension

Have you ever had one of those days, moments, seconds, weeks, years, lives?  You know the kind that you just wish was a dream, waking from it would be so nice, that kind of time.  For people who have often times you just have to shake your head and plug ahead, hoping that something will break someday, or at least sometime.

As a person who suffers from bipolar or manic depression, these times can seem like they are just horrible.  Life can collapse around you quickly, and you just really can’t do much about it.  The fact that you can’t wake up and change it all is just another thing that you have to wonder if there is someone, somewhere watching and laughing at your times.  It’s like a game or can feel like a game, where everything possible can be thrown at you, and all you have to do is handle it, or try and keep going.

There are a lot of people who will not make it through those times, and even the strongest of us can falter dangerously close to the edge.  It can be hard to tell yourself to just keep going, to leave the pieces all together and not want to just shatter it all apart.  Breaking it all down to nothing bigger than a crumb of salt, a little piece that no one would ever even be able to figure out what it once was.

Yes today is a day where the most dark and dangerous things can come into play.  But the real question is the Faith you have something that will pull you through it all?  Will you be standing at the end of a long day?  Will you be able to say, I have the support I need?  Or will you just feel so alone that no matter if you’ve had support or not you simply want to fade away?

At times it will not be a question of how long you may be able to hold out, but do you really want to make it through even.  Is there anything waiting for you?  Anything that could possibly have you wanting to continue, to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Light can get swallowed up so quickly when facing times that your mind, the devil or anything or anyone else can throw a wrench into your life.

Is there anything left out there?  Is there enough of yourself to cling too and move on?  These will be questions that may be muttered in vain, into the empty air, crying out to God.  Will you get the answers you need or require?

 

No one but yourself can really answer that.  It will all be something that in the end you will either come through or not.

The words we like to hear

Everyone of us in life wants nothing more than to be loved.  Not just the love of family and friends, but so much more is searched for over the years of our lives.  But how do you know when the right time is to state those words, and how do you know when they are being stated for the right reasons?

In the past I’ve said these words too often, and well in the words of the song “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol simply put:

(Those three words

Are said too much

They’re not enough.)

This is the sentiment I’m talking about right now.  Those three words are so nice to hear, you crave them in life from the right people, and often times from the wrong people.  It’s those bad relationships that you go through that will often define the person you are and how you look at those words from now on.

In the past I’ve been in abusive relationships, one’s where I wish I could have gotten out of quicker.  Maybe not the actual beating that many women suffer from, but the words that are pushed onto you, making you feel like you do not matter.  Those words that will often make you feel like you mean absolutely nothing to anyone, not just the person who is telling you them, but from the world.

This lack of self-esteem has beat down many people in the past and will continue to do the same thing throw the years to come.  If there was just a way that you could instead not have to hear words, feel fists, or go through pain, well it wouldn’t be life, because we all sin.

However, that does not mean that you should shut down and not want to hear those words ever again in your life.  Hell even people who’ve come through some of the roughest times will still want to and crave those three words.  The real question is not if they will hear them again, but at times if they will really believe them when they are said or not.

Another problem that I myself often face is the fact that I have to question what Love really is.  This is only because of the past and how I’ve made wrong choices.  But really just how many other people have gone through their lives and not really known what Love is?  In that case that is when those three words just don’t mean enough to them.  It is something that is needed and desired, but often lacking in some sort of conviction, because we simply are not sure if the words are true, or just coming from somewhere else in another persons universe.

I will be truthful hearing those words from the right person in my life would be thrilling.  However, it is not something that I will need either, I will crave it, desire it, wish for it, and love it if it happens.  But I do not want to be a person who only hears the words and does not get the whole thing anymore.

What is the whole thing?  The meaning that the other person knows without a doubt that there is nothing in this world that they would not do for me.  Or better yet, let me explain what those three words really mean to me, it will make more sense.

So if you have heard those three words from me at some point in life and are not just a friend, but a true friend who I would go to the end for this is what I mean:

I will do anything for you, protect you, stand up for you, fight for you, go to bat for you, until the last breath has escaped from my body.  That is what I love you to me means, does it mean it to you?  Anyone, everyone, think about it!

 

?

Have you ever began an adventure of self-enlightenment only to end up in almost the same spot as you always have?  I’m shocked after a discovery today that even though I had sworn I wouldn’t do the same freaking thing again, I’m almost back to the same way as always.

Well I can’t say that I am specifically back to a spot that I was previously, but I feel like I’ve done something that isn’t quite what I had planned.  Maybe that’s just the surprise of life, or maybe it is me falling back into a pattern of hell I don’t know.  I can tell you that I feel more confused than anything else.

I’ve lost a lot of my work, some of it I’m just not sure where it went.  Is it the confusion of misplacing stories that has me upset?  Possibly because one of them was a really good little story that took about four days to type out, it’s 60K words, and well it was kind of like a rediscovery of myself at that point.

But I still have other things I’ve been working on and some that were lost and rediscovered.  Perhaps it’s the fear that always seems to close in when you are not sure?  I would love to blame it all on fear, but there is a bit of a voice in the back of my head that is telling me something else.

No I know, it’s hard to take a leap of Faith at times, and I’m fighting it so freaking much at times it’s tough.  But to know that God has me in His hands and will take care of me.  I just wish I could completely and fully believe that every second of every day.  I know it’s sin and fear, but if anyone has any good ways to combat this feeling I would love to know them now.  I mean NOW!

Life is up in the air a lot of the time, and I guess it’s the fact that we have no clue what will go on the next day that can stop me cold in my tracks.  I would love to say I am wise, but right now I don’t feel wise at all, but just lost.  Are any of these good gems?

Alright, so I’ve posted 2 times in one day and neither make a bunch of sense, but that is because it’s My blog and I’m just like this!!!  Cheers.

For the whole week!

Just got some good news today, client I am working with fired two other people (no not happy for those 2 people), but for the person, me, who now gets the work, Hell yeah I’m happy.

I wish those other people good luck in finding work again though too.  It’s tough not to have much work as a freelance writer.  But I cannot determine on how well other people do their work.  I can only work on mine and make sure I provide quality work for my clients.

So far I must be doing something right, if he felt like he was able to fire other people who were not working well.  Eek, also a bit worried about pulling on too much work as well.  I mean I love making money and all, but have to keep in mind there are just so many hours in the day to do the things I need to do.

Don’t know how football really went, didn’t have the time to watch it this week, or last or the one before.  On a good note though, I have been having a blast on almost every weekend.  Though our new buddy was gone this one, it was still fairly good.  Glad he is back in our fold again!

Well if anyone can do quality work, I may have some side work that needs to be done, let me know! 🙂

Work!

At times I simply love what I do, these are the times when everything is going just right.  These are the days where the money can flow in, if only I can stay focused on one task for long enough.  500 words at one time is a bit difficult though, there are several breaks or so it seems.  But when i look back I have not had a break in some time.

Work is Fun, that’s how I feel right now.  So easy and the fact that I have made more than 88 dollars already in most likely around 6 hours at the most, but possibly as few as 3 to 4 hours.  And that is a number that includes many topics, but they are not seeming hard to accomplish right now, it is very simple.

If you can get to this point, you may understand this post.  Because right now I don’t get a single word that I am typing.  Cheers to all, and Praise God!

Sorry it took so long

So I’ve been extremely swamped with new work and have been unable to post for a bit.  That’s okay I love my work and the more I get, the better off my son and I will be!  There is no way that I am complaining about the work I have, keep it coming!

Now what I really wanted to write about today:  Have you ever just had to wonder?  Now let me explain a bit more at least to enough extent that I do not give away my full story, but enough of it.  Not that I do not want to share with everyone, it is just to protect others that I cannot share the full depth of my thoughts at this time.

Let’s just say that I’ve come to a couple of realizations lately and it was a shock to me in several cases.  First off I have not always been a good girl, I have sinned in the past many times, and will continue to sin.  But I’ve since come back fully to God and now want to live in his glory for the rest of my life.  So due to this change I have now given up sex and I am trying to behave in all the ways that I can.

This being said my comment to a friend was “the next person I sleep with, will also be the last person I sleep with”.  But this will only be the person that God has led to me and let me known that this is the right one.  So I may have to wait for a bit of time.  However, He’s also given me a few hints that the person is not as far away as I think, and that it’s just the right timing that needs to be in place.  (really hope this is not confusing)

I also realized that no matter how much I dislike cold weather, there is a case and point where I would decide to live in a state that has all four seasons again, but only with the right person in my life.  (shit if this gives too much away, sorry)  This comment is for just one person and they will know who they are.

But now I also realize that finally at the age of 45 I may have grown up more in just a few weeks than I had in the rest of my years.

Sorry if this jumped around a lot, some people have commented that I do that.  It’s not because I mean too, it’s just the way that I write!!!  Thanks to all the people who have been reading and leaving fabulous comments as well, I will be following you as well 🙂

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