Have you ever began an adventure of self-enlightenment only to end up in almost the same spot as you always have?  I’m shocked after a discovery today that even though I had sworn I wouldn’t do the same freaking thing again, I’m almost back to the same way as always.

Well I can’t say that I am specifically back to a spot that I was previously, but I feel like I’ve done something that isn’t quite what I had planned.  Maybe that’s just the surprise of life, or maybe it is me falling back into a pattern of hell I don’t know.  I can tell you that I feel more confused than anything else.

I’ve lost a lot of my work, some of it I’m just not sure where it went.  Is it the confusion of misplacing stories that has me upset?  Possibly because one of them was a really good little story that took about four days to type out, it’s 60K words, and well it was kind of like a rediscovery of myself at that point.

But I still have other things I’ve been working on and some that were lost and rediscovered.  Perhaps it’s the fear that always seems to close in when you are not sure?  I would love to blame it all on fear, but there is a bit of a voice in the back of my head that is telling me something else.

No I know, it’s hard to take a leap of Faith at times, and I’m fighting it so freaking much at times it’s tough.  But to know that God has me in His hands and will take care of me.  I just wish I could completely and fully believe that every second of every day.  I know it’s sin and fear, but if anyone has any good ways to combat this feeling I would love to know them now.  I mean NOW!

Life is up in the air a lot of the time, and I guess it’s the fact that we have no clue what will go on the next day that can stop me cold in my tracks.  I would love to say I am wise, but right now I don’t feel wise at all, but just lost.  Are any of these good gems?

Alright, so I’ve posted 2 times in one day and neither make a bunch of sense, but that is because it’s My blog and I’m just like this!!!  Cheers.


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